Well Halloween is coming… and in a sea of ‘slutty cats’, ‘slutty zombies’ and ‘Slutty Harley Quinns’ thanks to Suicide Squad (which is the perfect name for the film, as that is in fact what the majority of cinema goers did upon viewing)
But in this sticky sea of cleavage, leg and shame… People seem to forget the true meaning of Halloween and it’s spirit…or spirits ‘Ooooooooo…..’
Halloween should be about getting scarily dressed up, going around knocking, begging for sweets, whilst threatening homeowners upon refusal… like a high on sugar, purging Agustus Gloop.
Halloween should be about being ghoulish, having fun whilst freaking other people out for one night. It’s the only day of the year you can go all out and be looking awesome whilst looking like shit at the same time.
Slutty anything shouldn’t really come into the mix at all… It should be bloody…with your brains oozing out.. whilst your intestines hang out your arse..!! Or something on those lines…
Halloween is thought to have originated with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, where people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off roaming ghosts… Like… we’re suppose to be warding off roaming ghosts, not make them pitch a tent with their sheets..?!
We need to take a leaf out of our ancestors book (which would have more than likely have been made from human skin, based on what you are about to see) cos their version of Halloween is truly horrifying…
I don’t know if it’s a combination of old time, grainy pictures being freaky and disturbing anyway. Or the fact everyone in the pictures are technically dead now.. so they kind of really are real life ghosts… Ghosts that are staring at you through the picture, boring their dead eyes into the very essence of your soul… Or more than likely it is because our ancestors were fucking insane… Like on the serial killer, Norman Bates, Denis Nilsen…kill you…bathe you… then settle you down in front of the t.v for a bit of Corrie kind of freaky shit.
I am in no way messing, don’t believe me..? Then take a look for yourself… cos they seriously are the only things someone like Satan could have come up with and not be unnerved by…
1. Dexter the KKK Ghost
Right, this kid could be going for the ‘a ghost of a KKK member’ chic with his Halloween costume… But view him and his surroundings… He can’t be a KKK ghost, as the sheets should be way dirtier than that, with them been all hillbilly incest and that (If I’ve offended any KKK members out there, than good…..) But by dissecting the image he’s more than likely ready to go full blown Dexter on your ass in his basement… He’s certainly dressed for the occasion… Also this can be 100% proven with the obvious decapitated human head stuffed inside the pumpkin.
2. The Sperm Heads
Just while looking at this image I bet you are hearing a chorus of little evil voices like the ones you hear in horror movies in a choir of ‘Joiiinnnnnnnn Usssssssssss…..’ I’m not exactly sure what these guys are suppose to be, so we’ll just call them Sperm Heads. Obviously these freaky little shits are from the sperm of Satan… obviously… But honestly, who in their right minds would think these semen facial masks, would have been appropriate wear for young children in a school… regardless of what era it is and…. Oh wait, it’s probably a CBS. (If I’ve offended any pedophile priests out there, than good…..)
3. Nurse Th’rasher’
Judging from our ancestors habit of been clinically bat shit (from our findings) when it comes to Halloween. This outfit more than likely was, in fact worn throughout the wards of a real hospital… And with their weird hedonistic humour, it would have most definitely have been a mental hospital, just for the giggle fucks… This costume straight outta Silent Hill would nearly make you go over to the dark (green) side and turn vegan… but thank god I’ve never seen ‘herbivore’.. So I’ll stick to my flesh, skin and bones thank you very much.
4. Lucifer the Kiddie Licker
If I didn’t know that this image was too old. I would have totally thought this image wasn’t a photograph at all but a snippet of some home CCTV footage, as you cannot fake that expression on the kids face. That is a ‘my 6 yrs of life flashing before my eyes’ kinda look for sure… And this kid wouldn’t have had the chance to have seen the well known child self defense video from the 90’s ‘Home alone’, so he most definitely wouldn’t have been able to scare off these two crooks with paint cans and lava door knobs. Lets just hope that really is Uncle Timmy having a laugh licking the top of his head and not Uncle Jimmy from down the road.
I think it’s time to take a breather from Hellraisers Ann Summers wardrobe collection and have a nosey at some little babies in their costumes… I doubt our ancestors could ruin the adorable innocence of a little child…
5. DA FUQ IS THIS SHIT..?!
Jesus Christ.. what da fuq is that.?! they don’t make fire hot enough for it anyway..!! Ermmm… lets move on to another image, surely this is the only image our ancestors managed to get their sadistic claws into..??
Argh…. Gail Tilsley from Coronation Street with a slightly less deformed David..!! There must be some cute pictures of little kiddies in their costu…
Argh…!! Call a SWAT team..! Looks like these little freaks would be found residing in the ‘Redrum’ suite at the ‘Timberline Lodge’… As you can see the kid on the right obviously has a knife very well concealed and hidden underneath their garment… that, or they have a very unusually high raging erection… Here’s hoping for the erection..!! I would rather have a little mini demon pumpkin kid running after me with a bouncing boner… Than a huge kitchen knife, getting ready to avenge all other pumpkins by splitting heads and carving skulls this Halloween…
Right… We need some happy pictures… Enough with the Halloween now, cos I’m gonna need a shrink… I know, Santa… It is nearly Christmas soon, so lets take a look at our ancestors version of Crimbo… That can’t be that bad surely…
Right… That kids traumatised… I think I’m traumatised… How the hell can you turn Santa Claus into Satan Claws..?? And I bet that ‘4270’ on his basket is a tally of the number of heads in his sack.. and Rudolf’s red shiny nose is in actual fact, a high powered laser that has the capacity to split people in two.
Right enough of this traumatising nightmare stuff… I think I’ve come to the conclusion that our ancestors were the minions of Satan judging by their Halloween costumes of choice. But to be honest over a hundred years ago in an era of Jack the Ripper, measles, mumps, diphtheria, scarlet fever, rubella and the plague knocking people off left right and center, all you really needed to scare people off for Halloween, was your face.
Hopefully I have influenced you to take a step back from the ‘slutty cats’, ‘slutty zombies’ and ‘Slutty Harley Quinns’ attire for this Halloween. And be imaginatively scary like our ancestors. They could pull off Halloween over a hundred years ago with their resources available and with style… granted, style that would result in a few visits to a shrink.. But never the less, they owned Halloween costume wise, so why can’t we..??
If you would like to share you’re costumes with me this Halloween and prove that all faith in humanity is restored and not ruined with the likes of ‘slutty cats’, ‘slutty zombies’ and ‘Slutty Harley Quinns’ of the world.. Then you can give me a tweet and prove that we can be as scary and as freaky when it comes to Halloween as our ancestors were..! Happy Halloween..!!!